i lost you

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i lost you.

just like the time i ran down the sidewalk and my shoe came off. like the time i set something aside, but i could never find it again. like the memory i can't recollect, but i see your eyes and i know something is wrong.

you gave up on me. left me by your door and walked away like you didn't remember my name.

i watched the sunset in the sideview mirror and the car lights blurred behind. the sky ahead with the dark blue that leaks from your soul. this heart loses a little more hope every time i see your face. this heart aches a little more with every step. turning the color of that beaten sky.

maybe we'll never get it back. and maybe that's okay.

(but that's just it. i don't want that to be okay. i'm afraid of losing things and gaining nothing.)

\

old friend

my old friend.

these days make no sense,

but i have understood more about you now

 than i ever have.

i remember the last day i saw you.

you were in my prayer group, and i hid behind sideways glances,

and a heart scared to trust again.

your eyes were sad,

and your words broke my heart. divorced parents. moving. changing.

i'm sorry. and i also forgive you.

we were young then.

and we were older on that last day...even more so now.

time changes.

i love you.

even though things have changed, they have never more 

been the same.

miss you.

so much that those words don't even cut it.

x

bumped into each other

back home under the city lights and the mountain silhouettes. we bumped into each other, and i almost forgot, but the memory now tells me of sadness in those eyes and the fact that i looked back. i have to laugh because i've wondered what you've been going through for a long time and i still don't have a clue. 

the Gardener had plowed through this part of the garden. picking weeds. turning the dirt. getting it under his fingernails and whistling tunes into the morning silence. even the birds sat still to listen. it had taken awhile. 

but do you see this little sapling?

it's His love growing in the garden of my heart. sprouting in the presence of the master Gardener. 

last night i stopped in my tracks and talked to Him about you. about the little boy who had lost his way. i told Him that it's okay if i never see you again, but that i only want you to love the Lord and to know that He loves you. 

we have a long ways to go. i hope one day you're brave enough to say hello again. 

laughing forever,

the girl who keeps coming back

p.s. psalm 107:8-9. 

i counted the stars

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i counted the stars that mountain night.

traced your name along the small dipper,

thinking about your eyes and the light.

(stuck in forgotten things.)

i wanted to sit down beside the road

and talk to God until the moon slept.

in that crazy wind, everything slowed.

(i couldn't stop laughing.)

i wrote a letter to you last night.

you'll never read it, i know,

but it made my heart more light.

(we'll be okay.)

lolz i should be doing school. 

came back

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hi.

i saw your face today. it was only in a picture, and i wasn't sure if it was you, but you came back. i think that mattered most to me. the fact that even mountains of doubt couldn't keep you away.

i pray for you.
the night seeps into my bones and i stay up too late with your name on my mind. let him see, let him see, let him see. 
the Lord hears.

i pray you know that as well.
even in my doubt, i know that. He hears and i have no reason to worry.

i love you.

i think you need to hear that. these days are getting colder and the air dries. but i hope that this Love warms your bones and you finally let go.

please.
let the Shepherd take you back home.

i'm waiting.
x

the sun set

i scrubbed the plates as laughs echoed through the walls of my home. the sun set outside the window and i hummed a song that sounded something like your name.
     peace thrummed in my heart.
(and hey.
i miss you more than ever right now.
   you know that. i cried when i heard your voice because it was so far away.)

she set in glory, you know. the Maker's handiwork telling stories golden and orange and the stars were peeking out. summer has left our hands and we can rest knowing it'll be okay.

we can rest knowing it'll be okay.

i hope you know that when you feel so alone that even the morning does not cheer you up. i hope you know that when you snuggle up in your blankets and moonlight patterns the wall.

He is peace.

x

clear this head

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i put your name in a bottle,

and i sent it down the rushing river.

to clear this head.

clear.

clear.

clear.

i dreamed about you all night long

and i woke up

exhausted.

because this is not what it's supposed to be like.

and i wish my heart knew that.

there's a heavy fog.

fog.

fog.

fog.

time to go, darling.

find the Shepherd tending to his flock

and sit beside the quiet waters.

x

sleep has been my enemy lately.

(but my God is greater than that.)

cold

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it's been cold.
colder than you could believe.

maybe it's my own fault. i wouldn't be surprised.
but tonight,
under these leaves, under this sky,
i don't think it matters.

i breathe winter because it's in my blood.
it always has been.

the house of my heart

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there are words stuck in my heart

that never make it to my mouth.

somewhere between here and there,

between my courage and fear,

stuck in my throat.

today i stopped and looked around the house of my heart,

and found "dear you"s and "i miss you"s crinkled up.

and today i knew it was time to sweep and clean.

so i scrubbed the floors and sent the dirt out the door.

but i saw a corner of an envelope

peeking from behind the couch.

the letter was one from you,

and it said, "i love you too."

i kept this one.

not quite sure what this one means, but i think it's good. xx 

not too far

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hey sunshine.

i know you're tired, and i know you want to go back. back across the yellow-dotted road, miles and miles, back to the where Summer houses. i know you can hardly stand it here, but i know that our God is good and that He is with you even now. He will be with you wherever you go.

look up. see the big dipper? oh, you can see her back Home where the cicadas lie in the grass and hum their tune. and if you can see her from there, you know you're not too far.

not too far.

hey, don't be afraid to love and love and love. don't be afraid to take in the whole sky and feel that overwhelm who you are. don't be afraid to open those eyes as wide as you can and see the things put before you. don't be afraid to say hello.

and if you are afraid, do it anyway. she told you. she told you. take heart, small one, and believe. and trust and run and go for it. don't look back. seek the One who made you. don't quiver. don't tremble.

the Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.

see you soon. x

endings are not always sad

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i looked into your eyes and the future flashed by for a second.
laughter lines. good times. lessons learned.
there we were with bright souls under the old ponderosa pines.
and then the moment passed.
but there it was, the beginnings of the future,
written across your crazy face.

the sun set without us, but we felt it in our souls.
endings are not always sad.
i thought the holes in my heart would stay empty forever.
behold, the Lord is good to me!
the heavens shake and i fall to my knees.
the Lord is good.
here you are. here we are.
things aren't as lost as i thought they were.

O Lord my God, I cried to you and you have healed me. 

psalm 30:2

june twenty-first

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dear you,

you are not forgotten. the clouds drift across the sky and you watch them, nothing quite solid forming in your mouth yet. there is nothing to say. there are days for that. do not worry.

being alone is easy. you know the freedom in running away...until you walk back. because things don't change how you would like them to. you do the wrong things. say the wrong things. nothing works out. it's easier when there's nothing to say. 

thunder shakes the earth tonight, but the rain does not
                                                                                                   fall. 

you know the weight of not letting go. and trying but unable to. some things stick like melted marshmallows and you can not get them off. 

hey.
you're still loved.

when you have nothing to say. when you use all the wrong words. when you cannot even form a simple sentence and trip over your words.

you're still loved.

when you assume the wrong things. when you think someone misses you but they don't. when you realize you aren't as important to someone as you once thought. 

y o u  a r e  s t i l l  l o v e d. 

when you run until your lungs burst. when you are a coward. when you can't tell someone you're sorry. when you yell. when the storm is heavy. when you're angry. when you leave. 
when you feel like you've fallen from grace.

hey.
you're still loved. 
even when you don't feel like you are. 

His love is over. it's underneath. it's inside. it's in between. 

you know who i am.
xx 

p.s. look up deuteronomy 31:6. this promise is kept. hold on to it. 

coward

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the wind blows hard.
i tried, i tried, i tried.
these wounds on my hands have not yet scarred. i --

i cannot bear the weight.
i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.
let me take a walk. let me clear my head.

there is a never-ceasing pounding.
it echoes through my skull.
telling me of everything that could be.
could have been. should have been.

i -- wait, come back
i tried. i'm sorry.

i can't finish this --
i'm a coward.
(you should know that by now.)

buried

i got down on my hands and knees,
into this dirt. into this new beginning.
i buried you there.

i dug. my back burned in the sun.
this is where i met you.
in this red dirt that smells like...
dust. things forgotten.
layer upon layer.

like carrying a pack of rocks,
i carried the weight of...you.
my soul exhausted and my eyes blinded.
tired. tired.
always tired.

lay it down.

bury it.

so i did.
i dug until my lungs collapsed inside my chest,
and i could barely breathe from working so hard.
like the sun setting in the cerulean sky,
silvery threads shone out and faded dark.

this is the day i buried the goodbyes that always changed who we were.

where are we now?

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i tried to write a letter today.
    i didn't know i was this sad until i sat down and tried to murmur your name.
    these wrinkles on my face had to get here somehow.

the sky wept sunlight upon me and i laid down to rest.
(i wouldn't call it rest anymore.
it hurt more than keeping busy.)

i cried out your name! oh my brother! come back to me!
come                back.

like a clock striking the hour, my heart beat inside my chest.
this is not the end, i told myself. not the end.
not      the     end.  
(but it feels like it.)

all the sudden i am running around and around.
calling out your name. calling out these words.
i can't handle this.

when did it get so hard?
when did she start to cry?
when did we say goodbye?
when did fire burn our hearts?
when did i realize i loved you?

(hope reigns. hold on to that.)

still in love

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it's funny feeling when you realize you're still in love with somebody.

i trace the circles on the ceiling, thinking back on all of it.
i never knew you. not really, at least.
but i dreamt of your smile last night,
the kindness in your eyes when you laugh.

i spent the winter days holed away,
convincing myself that i didn't love you.
i know i don't. not really, at least.
i'm more in love with the idea of you.

i saw your face, and the house i built crumbled.

maybe some things last.

frozen

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cold falls upon me as i sleep,
and i realize that nightmares are a type of hypothermia.
the rain froze and turned to snow.
sleep leaves and i am left curling up
underneath the blanket.

it is morning and i greet it with a laugh,
light is warmth to my heart if not the wind.
but as soon as night falls,
i am too exhausted for laughter.
my lamp on in the room,
and frost covering the windows.

there is love left in me still

though i may not feel it now

air is caught up in my lungs

i manage a breath

today i realized i am an in between

in between having a home and losing it

in between missing you and running away

in between loving and resenting

there are twos to everything

and i am 

one of them

my veins are clogged with ice,

and my body is tired with

the weight

of warming my blood enough

to wash it away.

.c.d.

still

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via pinterest

the sea laps against the shore outside, foamed with forgotten things. the window twists the sun into comforting patterns. i seek for bitterness left in my heart,

but i can't even find crumbs. 

time sits with me, and it is slow. the day does not pass as quickly as i want it to. my mind is too distraught to do anything else, and too lonely to be left alone.

still, we are, only the ticking of the clock heard throughout the house. i yawn and my bare feet are silent on the ground. there is nothing to find, but still i go. books cannot hold my attention and i am not in the mood for screens. 

i grab a glass of milk, and sit again. i do not know how to describe the passing time because it goes by so slowly that even minutes seem longer than anything else. my mind drifts to you. there is no resentment there. i am okay. 

memories tell me that i would be miserable, and i can't help but laugh. because i am not miserable, but a little disappointed. not too much. like the smallness of expecting a letter and finding none in the mailbox. 

no more doubts. no more mulling. it is time for me to move on and find something to do. the hours have passed, not a thing done. i understand a little more about love. 

- c.d/b.

day person

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i stretch to touch the morning,
eyes gleaming with deep blue.
rice cooks on the stove and i hear my father,
an early-riser with wrinkles around his eyes,
setting the table.

i lie under my blankets,
just thinking.
the birds outside tell each other good morning,
and i listen in.

love settles in my heart deeper than ever before.
i am soaking under the weight of it.

the day always suited me better than the night.

the noisy silence

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i have come to realize that i am nothing more.

i am full of yawning, and rubbing my eyes.
angry tears and sad sniffles.
loud mornings that talk of laziness --
the kind that leaves you more tired than you were before you slept.

the shower is warm and i spend my time thinking,
but we are left with silence that rings in my ears so loud i can hardly bear it.

your ears become accustomed to noises you hear constantly,
and i think i miss the noise.

sit with me awhile, Lord, and do not let me sift through these thoughts.
for they are all the more loud in the silence.
be still, o my soul, o my mind.

the Lord is here and he is peace.
teach me peace in the silence.

chase

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chase these lines on my hands
and find that they lead to nothing
no awed ending nor
any meaningful word.

sometimes the things we chase after
are, indeed, nothing at all.
a faded glimpse, a book with missing pages.

so please do not be disappointed
when you reach the end and find

that i am just a muddled mess.

from dust i came and to dust i'll go.

the price has been paid

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we're blood and bones,
through and through.
our hearts are full of sacrifices,
of greedy fingers and angry tears.

blood has to be spilled.

it always has.

the altar is there dripping blood
blood of the sacrifice!
blood for our sins!

we're not made to be lukewarm,
to always be happy and comfortable.
passionate! hard love!
we're made for heavy feelings,
the kind that throws your heart hard into
the golden and deep blue sea of grace.
grace & pain.

we're blood and bones,
through and through.
our hearts are full of confusion
and the yearning to be full always.

blood has to be spilled.

the price must be paid.

the altar is there dripping blood
blood of the Lamb!
the holy, precious Lamb!
it is on our hands.

we have done nothing to deserve mercy.
we are not worthy of love.
the sun does not revolve around us.
we are not important, we are not amazing.

the blood has been spilled.

because i love you.

we do not deserve your love!
we do not deserve grace!
but yet here it is.

here it is.

life is not made for the lukewarm.

it was never about being just the right temperature;
the right thing for our short happiness.

it was made for heavy feelings.
grace that threw you wild and breathless into the resurrection,
it was made to be passionate and to be raw and pure.

pure grace, pure mercy, pure love.
everlasting seas of Him.

sing it, babe. sing it hard and good.

down in the canyon

bury the memories, bury the memories
we are sunk beneath the dying sand
bury the bodies, bury the old stories
we are things no longer there

museums are no more
the past doesn't matter where we are
the future isn't in our blood anymore
we are empty statues
just empty pots and pans

under the ground with the cold dirt
buried, buried with the roots
once down in the canyon
that is where you'll always stay

overthinking strings

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tie knots on strands of strings
each one different in their own way

hang them up and tangle them together
a little angry and a little sad

i think i understand them more than people
i think they understand me more than people
understanding.

is that what we want?
is that what we strive for?

i think that it becomes a selfish thing.

or maybe not.

thoughts.
they are like tangled, knotted strings.