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Tuesday, June 30

a prayer

Dear Lord,

I am sorry.

I'm sorry for the way I want to pull you closer, but I push you away instead. I'm sorry for the times I choose my desires over you.

I'm sorry for the way I give my love and rely on myself. How I rely on others. I'm sorry that I do that.

Because You are my strength, my Rock. You are.

But I forget that and I rely on the world of man.

I'm a foolish little girl who is still learning. Who keeps relearning things I thought I already learnt.

And that tires me out. I rely on myself to remember. I rely on myself. Me, me, me. And I get so stinking tired. I get tired of everything. Loving, kindness, friends, laughing. I get tired of it all. It starts to weigh heavy on my shoulders.

Rest is what I need.

It's what my soul has been aching for.

I foolishly mistake it for sleeping. For physical rest.

But no.

It's the rest in You. The rest that comes from You.

It is not me, me, me.

It's You.

I'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

The Lord did not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples. 

(Deuternomy 7:7)

Amen.

6.30.2015

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/188447565634752923/

"you felt tired," 
she spoke.

i stopped. 

because i think i was
i think i am
tired of goodbyes
tired of hellos
tired of always leaving
always going

tired of the same words,
repeated over and over
of lost words and
the rewritten ones

of being left out
of being lied to
of being the last one

tired of needing strength
needing to move and live
each day
of forgetting how to love

tired of the past
and of the future
and of the in-betweens

and so much more


Monday, June 29

6.29.2015

 https://www.pinterest.com/pin/447967494156295579/

and the trees cried
while the wind howled
and the grass sighed
while the sky fell

Come back to me,
ye of little faith.
Come back.

If you seek Me,
you will find Me.

I am not lost,
but you are.
Seek Me, find Me, 
ye of little faith. 


Thursday, June 25

a boy

hitch hiking | road to nowhere | freedom | road trip | life on the road | backpacking | travelling |

i remember the boy who walked away
his face used to light up with jokes
he'd grin and laugh and stare into your soul
he'd know if you were sad
and he would try
oh, he would try
to change that
to make you laugh until your stomach hurt
because that was what he was lacking
he gave what he didn't have
and when it didn't work,
when it didn't work
he walked away
he went
slowly at first
backing up, getting ready to go
and he knew it
oh, he knew it 
as he got further,
he could hear people calling him back
so he clamped his hands over his ears
and let his legs pump
and feet hit the ground hard
and he left



Tuesday, June 23

6.23.2015

❤️

somedays
i get the sinking feeling in my chest
telling me that you don't miss me
that you are doing just fine
without me

and,
i suppose,
a part of that is true

you don't really need me

you'd do just fine,
in all honesty

and it hurts
oh how it hurts

but then,
on the other hand,
there are days when i see your face light up
happiness brighter than the sun
because we are together

together, together

and when we leave
each other
i think that we're torn apart

but every time
that we get back together
our bonds grow stronger

and yes, 
it hurts even more to leave then

but oh, 
it makes the times together even more special

maybe God's preparing our hearts
and our souls and minds
for the infinity we'll spend with each other
and with Him



Monday, June 22

her words

  


she told me that i could do it
but i didn't believe her then
oh, i didn't
because what was i
but a lowly prince
worse than a peasant
but expected to be a king

i was worth less 
than everyone thought i was
worth less than a prince
worth less than a peasant
worth less than a measly coin

but still
she looked me sternly
in the eyes
and said,
"You can do it.
I believe in you."

and my entire world fell
p
i
 e
   c
     e
b   
y       
p
i        
e   
   c
e


Sunday, June 21

oh

http://41.media.tumblr.com/07a489b4b3cf029800b9375b67fd7e65/tumblr_noz9p1KSDQ1qajrndo1_500.jpg

oh you precious sky
oh you precious ocean
come back to me soon

just–space:js

oh my night sky
oh my night home
don't disappear on me

lmmortalgod:Paris Tilt-Shift

oh my city lights
oh you are never resting
lead the way

http://41.media.tumblr.com/af0a4e6209a5b3e1e21800b86301c706/tumblr_nok6dqQP6b1rs8w78o1_500.jpg

oh you rocky earth
 oh you roaring river
 don't die on me

liamcobb:bedroom in space

oh my space home
 oh where have you gone
 come back to me soon



Saturday, June 20

Goodbye

 https://www.pinterest.com/pin/188447565634712258/


you're leaving
not for good or in a bad way
but you're moving
a whopping four hours away

it's not much
really
but you're leaving

our paths were the same for awhile
but then we had to go our own ways
and this is it

one of the bigger signals 

it's like a flare in the sky
"So this is it!
I'm leaving you."

but strangely,
i'm okay with it.

i knew it would come.

i'll miss you 
unexpectedly most days.

but i knew this was coming
and i felt it.

you're stuck in the past,
my dear. 
but you're moving forward.
slowly.

just remember to let us go
you can't hold on forever.
the world doesn't work like that.

i think memories are good things to hold onto.
laughter and smiles and pictures.
tear-stained letters and old books.
because those are the good things.

but just remember to let God
guide you on your path.
you can't create your own.

i love you.

goodbye.

God be with you.

don't have too much fun without me.


Thursday, June 18

why

 https://www.pinterest.com/pin/546131892290274572/


i don't understand
why am i finding these things?
these hidden secrets. 

hidden pasts. 

but, they aren't good.
i'm confused. 
what do i do?

i'm not searching for them
i don't want them
please, tell me why.

why am i finding these things?

i can't help them,
i can only surrender.
i can only pretend as if i didn't
find them.

please, 
don't let me be the one
to tell them it's wrong.

they already know that.

they'll just hate me. 
they'll just hide behind more lies
and dirty sins.

i don't understand.

what am i to do?

because i can't hate them
even knowing what they're like.
because i've seen the good side.
i've heard them tell me things
they wouldn't tell the devil.
and oh, no i don't laugh at them.
i accept it.

but i reject the sin.

i reject the bad side.

it's so hard to.
i love them.
they make me laugh so much.
my life feels just right around them
with their dorky smiles
and their hilarious jokes. 

because they show me the good side.
they show me the side i don't usually see.

but then they leave.

and their dirty sins leave a trail
behind them. 

i'm left to see
what it has done to them.

and what it is doing.

why me, O God?
i don't understand.

i don't want to see their secrets.

it hurts too much.

because i loved them
before i even knew that.
and i still love them.
but it's harder to look them in the eye. 

i don't understand. 

perhaps all i am left here to do
is to speak for You,
to love the unloved,
and to pray for them.

because they don't know how to do that
themselves.


freeing

Star Jar - PAPER PRINT, terrarium jar, nature print, mason jar, mountain poster, night sky, moon stars, mixed media collage art


there's nothing more freeing
than giving all you have
to the One who gave you it.


Wednesday, June 17

the fallen boy




I know this boy.

His eyes light up with laughter, and he's got the fluffiest black hair. He's around seventeen years old. He can crack a good joke when he wants to.

I know this boy.

He sits in silence, his eyes dead. He's not listening to the laughter of his friends around him. But when they call his name, he hides those dead eyes behind fake happiness.

I know this boy.

He falls asleep during abiding time. His tired soul can't keep up with it. All this pretending is wearing him out. Trying to bring something dead to life by yourself can be exhausting.

He's the fallen boy.

And oh, oh my soul. I love him too deeply. His struggles are mine, though he doesn't know it. His refusal to listen to God cuts me like a knife.

I got deep deep wounds.

Matching my deep love.

I get sick to my stomach thinking about the fallen boy.

Oh, he almost tried. He could have held on. He could have looked up. He could have ignored those lies from the world below.

But no.

He averted his gaze as he fell.

Fell to the lies.

Fell to the broken earth that whispered sweet things. I saw him go. And it hurt. Oh man, did it hurt. I saw his dead eyes turn to his dead soul and he fell to the dead earth.

Come back, I scream. It's not safe there. 

The Fallen Boy doesn't look up. I know he heard me, but he refused to listen. He's lost to the world. 

And I can't help him.

So I back up. I let my tears fall for that fallen boy. Because I have to let him go. I have to let go.

I do.

It cuts deeper than I thought it could. Deep, deep.

"I'll take care of him," Whispers the Lord.

okay. 

thank you. 

it's hard. 

"I know.

But I'll watch over him. I'll stay with him."

i'll be praying for him. it's the only thing i can do. 

"Rest now. Let your weary soul rest in Me."

alright. 

i will. 


Tuesday, June 16

 https://www.pinterest.com/pin/374502525240734398/

i can't believe that 
sometimes
i think i'm worth your time.

i can't believe that
sometimes
i love you too much.

because why would i love someone
who probably doesn't love me
just as much?

doubts fall from this stormy sky,
flooding my mind. 

do you love me?
am i worth it?
are you just pretending?
did i see more than there was?

it burns like fire
and i'm gathering scars. 

i'm sorry. 

i'll try to let you go,
but it's difficult.
because i love you more
than i ever thought i could. 


Sunday, June 14

someday

 https://www.pinterest.com/pin/374502525240956396/

maybe someday i'll be one of those
blooming flowers.

at least, i'd like to hope.



Saturday, June 13

listen

 https://www.pinterest.com/pin/374502525240553161/

Listen, listen, listen
the words repeated to me
over the years
whispered in books
and shouted in stern eyes

listen, listen, can't you hear?
i am listening. 
can't you tell?

you are not listening
you 
are
  not

but i am.
i am not speaking.
my ears are open.
i hear what is being said
and the silence.

you are not taking in
you are not gathering it
you are letting it go
no, no. 

listen.

gather it up in your heart.
capture it.

okay. 

i forgot what it was like to listen
and not to speak afterwards.
to not constantly reply
and give advice.

and
when i did
that was when
i felt the most filled


Thursday, June 11

love, don't leave me now


oh little lost boy,

i cannot believe that you chose
to run away from the only
home
that would keep you safe.

what are you afraid of?

that adventure would give you up,
that you would be too safe,
a life without risks?

dear little lost boy,

you are wrong. 

the world has tricked you
into thinking that this earth
holds what you need.

the earth has what you want,
not what you need.

dear little lost boy,

what can i do
to convince you to come home?
i wish i could.

but i can't.

so i will surrender you 
to the only person
who can 
h e l p 
you.

little lost boy,
come home someday.

only death is out there in that awful world.