it is time for things to change

my ribs are torn up from an accident i had in my sleep
tripping over an old dream from when i was younger
war remnants, my eyes are glazed over in
ghost pain

when i make a decision, i feel like i have to be certain
and i cannot retrace my steps
trembling chained to failed triumphs

it was good, they say, and that's why it cannot go.
we must learn to recognize that the best finite things eventually end up dead.

i'm swallowing doubt except it's not helping
because this ocean is bigger than my lungs
they tell me about their gods, trying to make something holy
out of dirt and fear and desire
you are worthy, is the murmuring

do you not understand that the only one worthy is He?
that is the beauty of His voice calling out to us
my rosy wounds ache as my chest expands and contracts,
but there is a peace in my heart, one that cannot be humanly produced

the blood upon his hands is not his own, and i cry
when i realize it is my own, and i cry when i realize it is Him
but it only took three days to cool the heap of coals in my throat,
and now i am tender from stepping out of old skins
winter has only begun

hollow bones

you first feel it in the bite of the wind,

as it rolls around your feet, digging in.

uneasiness is frozen over the lake, thin like the beginning of a ghost forming.

when you speak, they only hear

the trickle of frustration. when they speak,

it's exactly what you don't want to hear.

i know you tried but sometimes you can't just stand still.

and when you think, it's cold stones in the pit of your stomach.

black skies dig into the dirt, on the way down,

your headlights flicker on a road in the middle of a long night.

you just need some space.

you're hoping by february, you'll forget the taste of 

his name in the back of your throat. you're hoping by february,

he'll have moved on.

it just tastes like a bitter wish.

so you bite your tongue hard enough that it bleeds

and pray that He cares enough to listen.

x\

iii. to my sydney, you brave boy

home, home, home.

I have always loved the sound of those words, but they have never been truly real for me. Only tastes. Glimpses. Home! I call your name, but your strong hands have not found mine. There was a boy with a gentle heart and in his, I felt a beat like yours. And my tall, too-talented friend walked in understanding. In his shoulders bore my lonely heart and spoke love.

they are some of the bravest men I have ever met. I know sometimes you will be afraid that you cannot measure up and I gotta be honest - you won't. ha. Stop wrinkling your nose at me! Because you know that True Strength comes from Christ. And in Him is all you need. So there is no need to "measure up," you silly boy. 

home. oh my warm, lovely home. I feel like someone told me to stop looking for you, but here I will stand, steadfast with my flags, raising them until you are with me. Though my eyes waver from the left to the right, His mighty strength will set my gaze heavenwards. For I am weak, but He is strong.

May He pour out His mercy upon us because this is a mighty ache for Home and the wait has been pressing upon my heart. Eyes Up, home. Those are hard words as we sail on. We pass many islands, but none of them meant for us. And it'll be okay, for He is with me, a true and brave sailor, bringing me to You.

home. someday I'll be there.
until then, my sights are set.
He is good. 

x\ 

pretty sure i told you crazy kids that the posting on this little pumpkin of a blog would be super wacko. HA. ur welcome.

ii. a letter

Hey Prideful heart,

Asking for glory again, yeah? Fighting to be worth
something. Hands covered in blood from trying too
hard, voice hoarse from the fact you can't get
it right. [I ONLY WANT SOMETHING MORE]
          Let it go.
Unclench those fists, let the want go. There is
nothing to be found in those high caves. Only
pain is there, a kind that leads you away from God.
   Lay the stones down, prideful heart. There
is nothing to be gained from the throne.
       I know you're aching for something better, but
this is not the way to get it. Eyes up, the
sun will dawn soon. You don't want your
eyes on yourself.
           [LISTEN]
Your worth is found in Christ, weary hands.
Rags for robes. Sin for white as sow. No
longer abandoned, no longer fighting. Death
was defeated.
      Lay your pride down.
                 Let it go.

Judges 6