a prayer

Dear Lord,

I am sorry.

I'm sorry for the way I want to pull you closer, but I push you away instead. I'm sorry for the times I choose my desires over you.

I'm sorry for the way I give my love and rely on myself. How I rely on others. I'm sorry that I do that.

Because You are my strength, my Rock. You are.

But I forget that and I rely on the world of man.

I'm a foolish little girl who is still learning. Who keeps relearning things I thought I already learnt.

And that tires me out. I rely on myself to remember. I rely on myself. Me, me, me. And I get so stinking tired. I get tired of everything. Loving, kindness, friends, laughing. I get tired of it all. It starts to weigh heavy on my shoulders.

Rest is what I need.

It's what my soul has been aching for.

I foolishly mistake it for sleeping. For physical rest.

But no.

It's the rest in You. The rest that comes from You.

It is not me, me, me.

It's You.

I'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

The Lord did not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples. 

(Deuternomy 7:7)

Amen.

6.30.2015

"you felt tired," 

she spoke.

i stopped. 

because i think i was

i think i am

tired of goodbyes

tired of hellos

tired of always leaving

always going

tired of the same words,

repeated over and over

of lost words and

the rewritten ones

of being left out

of being lied to

of being the last one

tired of needing strength

needing to move and live

each day

of forgetting how to love

tired of the past

and of the future

and of the in-betweens

and so much more

6.29.2015

and the trees cried

while the wind howled

and the grass sighed

while the sky fell

Come back to me,

ye of little faith.

Come back.

If you seek Me,

you will find Me.

I am not lost,

but you are.

Seek Me, find Me, 

ye of little faith. 

a boy

i remember the boy who walked away

his face used to light up with jokes

he'd grin and laugh and stare into your soul

he'd know if you were sad

and he would try

oh, he would try

to change that

to make you laugh until your stomach hurt

because that was what he was lacking

he gave what he didn't have

and when it didn't work,

when it didn't work

he walked away

he went

slowly at first

backing up, getting ready to go

and he knew it

oh, he knew it 

as he got further,

he could hear people calling him back

so he clamped his hands over his ears

and let his legs pump

and feet hit the ground hard

and he left

6.23.2015

somedays

i get the sinking feeling in my chest

telling me that you don't miss me

that you are doing just fine

without me

and,

i suppose,

a part of that is true

you don't really need me

you'd do just fine,

in all honesty

and it hurts

oh how it hurts

but then,

on the other hand,

there are days when i see your face light up

happiness brighter than the sun

because we are together

together, together

and when we leave

each other

i think that we're torn apart

but every time

that we get back together

our bonds grow stronger

and yes, 

it hurts even more to leave then

but oh, 

it makes the times together even more special

maybe God's preparing our hearts

and our souls and minds

for the infinity we'll spend with each other

and with Him

her words

 

she told me that i could do it

but i didn't believe her then

oh, i didn't

because what was i

but a lowly prince

worse than a peasant

but expected to be a king

i was worth less 

than everyone thought i was

worth less than a prince

worth less than a peasant

worth less than a measly coin

but still

she looked me sternly

in the eyes

and said,

"You can do it.

I believe in you."

and my entire world fell

p

i

 e

   c

     e

b   

y       

p

i        

e   

   c

e

oh

oh you precious sky

oh you precious ocean

come back to me soon

oh my night sky

oh my night home

don't disappear on me

oh my city lights

oh you are never resting

lead the way

oh you rocky earth

 oh you roaring river

 don't die on me

oh my space home

 oh where have you gone

 come back to me soon

Goodbye

you're leaving

not for good or in a bad way

but you're moving

a whopping four hours away

it's not much

really

but you're leaving

our paths were the same for awhile

but then we had to go our own ways

and this is it

one of the bigger signals 

it's like a flare in the sky

"So this is it!

I'm leaving you."

but strangely,

i'm okay with it.

i knew it would come.

i'll miss you 

unexpectedly most days.

but i knew this was coming

and i felt it.

you're stuck in the past,

my dear. 

but you're moving forward.

slowly.

just remember to let us go

you can't hold on forever.

the world doesn't work like that.

i think memories are good things to hold onto.

laughter and smiles and pictures.

tear-stained letters and old books.

because those are the good things.

but just remember to let God

guide you on your path.

you can't create your own.

i love you.

goodbye.

God be with you.

don't have too much fun without me.

why

i don't understand

why am i finding these things?

these hidden secrets. 

hidden pasts. 

but, they aren't good.

i'm confused. 

what do i do?

i'm not searching for them

i don't want them

please, tell me why.

why am i finding these things?

i can't help them,

i can only surrender.

i can only pretend as if i didn't

find them.

please, 

don't let me be the one

to tell them it's wrong.

they already know that.

they'll just hate me. 

they'll just hide behind more lies

and dirty sins.

i don't understand.

what am i to do?

because i can't hate them

even knowing what they're like.

because i've seen the good side.

i've heard them tell me things

they wouldn't tell the devil.

and oh, no i don't laugh at them.

i accept it.

but i reject the sin.

i reject the bad side.

it's so hard to.

i love them.

they make me laugh so much.

my life feels just right around them

with their dorky smiles

and their hilarious jokes. 

because they show me the good side.

they show me the side i don't usually see.

but then they leave.

and their dirty sins leave a trail

behind them. 

i'm left to see

what it has done to them.

and what it is doing.

why me, O God?

i don't understand.

i don't want to see their secrets.

it hurts too much.

because i loved them

before i even knew that.

and i still love them.

but it's harder to look them in the eye. 

i don't understand. 

perhaps all i am left here to do

is to speak for You,

to love the unloved,

and to pray for them.

because they don't know how to do that

themselves.

freeing

there's nothing more freeing

than giving all you have

to the One who gave you it.

the fallen boy

I know this boy.

His eyes light up with laughter, and he's got the fluffiest black hair. He's around seventeen years old. He can crack a good joke when he wants to.

I know this boy.

He sits in silence, his eyes dead. He's not listening to the laughter of his friends around him. But when they call his name, he hides those dead eyes behind fake happiness.

I know this boy.

He falls asleep during abiding time. His tired soul can't keep up with it. All this pretending is wearing him out. Trying to bring something dead to life by yourself can be exhausting.

He's the fallen boy.

And oh, oh my soul. I love him too deeply. His struggles are mine, though he doesn't know it. His refusal to listen to God cuts me like a knife.

I got deep deep wounds.

Matching my deep love.

I get sick to my stomach thinking about the fallen boy.

Oh, he almost tried. He could have held on. He could have looked up. He could have ignored those lies from the world below.

But no.

He averted his gaze as he fell.

Fell to the lies.

Fell to the broken earth that whispered sweet things. I saw him go. And it hurt. Oh man, did it hurt. I saw his dead eyes turn to his dead soul and he fell to the dead earth.

Come back, I scream. It's not safe there. 

The Fallen Boy doesn't look up. I know he heard me, but he refused to listen. He's lost to the world. 

And I can't help him.

So I back up. I let my tears fall for that fallen boy. Because I have to let him go. I have to let go.

I do.

It cuts deeper than I thought it could. Deep, deep.

"I'll take care of him," Whispers the Lord.

okay. 

thank you. 

it's hard. 

"I know.

But I'll watch over him. I'll stay with him."

i'll be praying for him. it's the only thing i can do. 

"Rest now. Let your weary soul rest in Me."

alright. 

i will. 

i can't believe that 

sometimes

i think i'm worth your time.

i can't believe that

sometimes

i love you too much.

because why would i love someone

who probably doesn't love me

just as much?

doubts fall from this stormy sky,

flooding my mind. 

do you love me?

am i worth it?

are you just pretending?

did i see more than there was?

it burns like fire

and i'm gathering scars. 

i'm sorry. 

i'll try to let you go,

but it's difficult.

because i love you more

than i ever thought i could. 

someday

maybe someday i'll be one of those

blooming flowers.

at least, i'd like to hope.

listen

Listen, listen, listen

the words repeated to me

over the years

whispered in books

and shouted in stern eyes

listen, listen, can't you hear?

i am listening. 

can't you tell?

you are not listening

you 

are

  not

but i am.

i am not speaking.

my ears are open.

i hear what is being said

and the silence.

you are not taking in

you are not gathering it

you are letting it go

no, no. 

listen.

gather it up in your heart.

capture it.

okay. 

i forgot what it was like to listen

and not to speak afterwards.

to not constantly reply

and give advice.

and

when i did

that was when

i felt the most filled

love, don't leave me now

oh little lost boy,

i cannot believe that you chose

to run away from the only

home

that would keep you safe.

what are you afraid of?

that adventure would give you up,

that you would be too safe,

a life without risks?

dear little lost boy,

you are wrong. 

the world has tricked you

into thinking that this earth

holds what you need.

the earth has what you want,

not what you need.

dear little lost boy,

what can i do

to convince you to come home?

i wish i could.

but i can't.

so i will surrender you 

to the only person

who can 

h e l p 

you.

little lost boy,

come home someday.

only death is out there in that awful world.