june twenty-first

via tumblr

dear you,

you are not forgotten. the clouds drift across the sky and you watch them, nothing quite solid forming in your mouth yet. there is nothing to say. there are days for that. do not worry.

being alone is easy. you know the freedom in running away...until you walk back. because things don't change how you would like them to. you do the wrong things. say the wrong things. nothing works out. it's easier when there's nothing to say. 

thunder shakes the earth tonight, but the rain does not
                                                                                                   fall. 

you know the weight of not letting go. and trying but unable to. some things stick like melted marshmallows and you can not get them off. 

hey.
you're still loved.

when you have nothing to say. when you use all the wrong words. when you cannot even form a simple sentence and trip over your words.

you're still loved.

when you assume the wrong things. when you think someone misses you but they don't. when you realize you aren't as important to someone as you once thought. 

y o u  a r e  s t i l l  l o v e d. 

when you run until your lungs burst. when you are a coward. when you can't tell someone you're sorry. when you yell. when the storm is heavy. when you're angry. when you leave. 
when you feel like you've fallen from grace.

hey.
you're still loved. 
even when you don't feel like you are. 

His love is over. it's underneath. it's inside. it's in between. 

you know who i am.
xx 

p.s. look up deuteronomy 31:6. this promise is kept. hold on to it. 

coward

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the wind blows hard.
i tried, i tried, i tried.
these wounds on my hands have not yet scarred. i --

i cannot bear the weight.
i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.
let me take a walk. let me clear my head.

there is a never-ceasing pounding.
it echoes through my skull.
telling me of everything that could be.
could have been. should have been.

i -- wait, come back
i tried. i'm sorry.

i can't finish this --
i'm a coward.
(you should know that by now.)

buried

i got down on my hands and knees,
into this dirt. into this new beginning.
i buried you there.

i dug. my back burned in the sun.
this is where i met you.
in this red dirt that smells like...
dust. things forgotten.
layer upon layer.

like carrying a pack of rocks,
i carried the weight of...you.
my soul exhausted and my eyes blinded.
tired. tired.
always tired.

lay it down.

bury it.

so i did.
i dug until my lungs collapsed inside my chest,
and i could barely breathe from working so hard.
like the sun setting in the cerulean sky,
silvery threads shone out and faded dark.

this is the day i buried the goodbyes that always changed who we were.

where are we now?

via pinterest

i tried to write a letter today.
    i didn't know i was this sad until i sat down and tried to murmur your name.
    these wrinkles on my face had to get here somehow.

the sky wept sunlight upon me and i laid down to rest.
(i wouldn't call it rest anymore.
it hurt more than keeping busy.)

i cried out your name! oh my brother! come back to me!
come                back.

like a clock striking the hour, my heart beat inside my chest.
this is not the end, i told myself. not the end.
not      the     end.  
(but it feels like it.)

all the sudden i am running around and around.
calling out your name. calling out these words.
i can't handle this.

when did it get so hard?
when did she start to cry?
when did we say goodbye?
when did fire burn our hearts?
when did i realize i loved you?

(hope reigns. hold on to that.)