promises

Promises.

They are what I treasure more than some things

I store them up in my heart and hold them gently

But you?

You throw that word around aimlessly.

As if it is just another word

As if you don't care 

As if it doesn't mean a thing

And oh, how I wish I could catch those promises.

How I wish, how I wish you wouldn't take that precious piece as if it was just another thing.

I'd write you letters and I'd whisper you the reasons why

Promises are meant for honesty and trust

But I am not strong enough

I couldn't hold myself together long enough to get the words out

But if I had enough courage to tell you one thing,

I'd tell you,

Don't make another promise again

until you understand it and until

you

can 

keep 

it.

Because promises mean more to me than most things.

And I cannot let them be thrown around and battered.

Especially by you.

| unwritten letters |

The wind blows

The wind blows.

The trees stretch their arms in the cold night
Reaching for the lullabies the stars sing

I look to the moon
And see
Her silver teardrops slowly slide off
Touching the sapphire sky gently

I weep with her
I weep over the lullabies
Over the time that has gone away
Over the lost whispers that find the wind

She tells me I must go
The sun is to rise and I must go with him
I must leave the cold shadows
And the dying grass and the
Silence and sadness of the darkness

I nod and wipe the snot from my nose
And the saltwater tears from my eyes
I must go
She laughs gently and lifts my face in her hands
She tells me it is okay to let the tears fall
For you must express your heart somehow

And now, as I step out into the sunlight,
The warmth I hardly remember is quiet
The sun envelopes the moon in a hug,
Grinning from ear to ear
And tells her the tales of the summer seas

As we leave, I see the moon sinking away
Though she wouldn't know it,
I left a part of my heart there
For I couldn't say goodbye and stay whole

| poems to the night |

the wall

the wall is strung together with the smallest thread
i trace lines to each other and they are in between and lost
but in every line is a thousand memories --
the time someone made them laugh so hard that spaghetti was coming out of their nose;
the quiet sunrise that reminded them that life was something more;
splatters of green, blue, and yellow paint on their favorite pants;
when they sobbed over the death of a chipmunk they accidentally ran over on the highway;
when they heard their favorite song on the radio and their best friend was there;
the time they said the wrong things and how much they wish they could change it --
the wall is strung together with the smallest thread
and there is not a space left unfilled in the wall
the thread glows with dreams and regrets and little things loved
and my heart glows within me of a yearning for all of it and something greater
the adventure of the deep forest trees, the snow-topped mountains,
the fearless rushing rivers running wild far and gone
and to be a woman after God's own heart

the things in my hands

 

I laugh hard, holding the things given to me in my hands
Small things
Comfortable things
I cherish them deeply in my heart,
Storing them in the treasure chest I was just beginning to fill
My eyes are tired and my legs are weak
I look in the mirror and see myself in an over-sized shirt
My hair is sticking out in all places
I feel my chest rising and falling with each breath
I stare into those weary eyes --
And almost laugh.
Almost
Because I feel awful and my future isn't too bright
I'm afraid of so many things and I know that I am not trusting enough
I do not have enough faith, I do not have enough grace
I am not kind enough, I am not as merciful as I should be
I look down into my hands, at the things in them
Small things
Comfortable things
With a sad smile, I hold onto them for a bit longer
It's been awhile since I've been this comfortable
Since I've loved something so effortlessly
I think about my future and what is to come
I already know the things ahead are going to be hard
And I wouldn't change that -- I wouldn't
But for now, I just sit in the afternoon sun and soak it up
Soak up the warmth and the love and the simpleness
Because it'll be gone so soon
So soon.
I'm afraid of the future, so afraid
But I'm learning to rest in hope and in trust
My faith is being built one small pebble at a time
It's all as it should be

everything but.

my fingertips tremble with fear and confusion
i turn from the thing i'm scared of --
but not because i'm brave
not because i'm brave

but because i'm everything but.

i just pretend i'm turning to look at something,
but i know the truth
and it's undoing the seams of my steadiness
i'm afraid i'm afraid i'm afraid

i find that with every corner i take,
every where i look
it's hiding behind the curtains
and in the green hedges

and in the things i dearly love.

i'm afraid and i don't know what to do