be strong and take heart

i woke up this morning with golden light seeping into my bones. you know how it goes, honey and freckles, you know how it goes. it is the relief of carbon dioxide from your lungs. it is the chance to start again. rejoicing comes in the morning. i laugh and rub my cold fingers against warm palms.
it has been a long fight.
the tips of my fingers became sore, and my vocal chords dived into a desert, and i was left with no words but bundles of letters i didn't know what to do with. when you are in a fight, there are things you cannot take your eyes off of. things you can't bear to lose.
but one day, you stand up and you realize that this has been a sharpening process. a growing process. you are no longer bones and fat, but your tendons and ligaments have found strength and are starting to take shape. a little rain comes and washes away the ash and you see His handiwork underneath a dirty surface. still a ways to go, but you saw His fingerprints engraved into your own.
it is hope where there was none,
and hope where you needed it most.

small heart.

i see you.

do not give up. He is with you.

you have grown

p.s. i'm so sorry i can't keep up with all the posts.

wait for me?

i'll be back when i can catch my breath. x 

i barely recognized you when you walked into the room.
taller. floofier. can i call you floofy? i picked that word up from a friend, so i hope you don't mind. it describes you strangely well. sorry! sorry, okay, i'll stop. but you know me, always laughing a bit here and there.

you are stronger, too.
i saw it in your hands. they roughed through your hair. they were wild as you'd grab the ball and go for the shot. i'd shake my head with a grin as if it was unbelievable, but maybe it was in you from the start. but it was a greater strength. more than mortal man.
it was simple.
you reached for the trash can the same time as i, as if we both knew that someone would have to pick it up, and we wouldn't mind to be the one.
that kind of thing comes from a selfless heart, who felt His palms rub against their own, and the healing and sweeping comes from there.

hey, old friend, my eyes laughed as i let go, welcome back.

you have grown, and you bear it well.

second of august

via pinterest

i. i woke up one morning,
     a song soft as hotel pillows and room temperature butter sitting on my heart.
it smelled entirely of hope. a little bit like pancake breakfasts and a waiter who gave you extra milk for free. a little more like shooting stars and jumping on the tramp. a lot like new beginnings.

ii. inner aspect to outer aspect. i wipe the sleep from my eyes,
    and maybe with a little childish hope,
wipe the sadness and a bit of pain off of the window in my chest.

iii. there is a green metal chair out by the wildflowers, the sun melting into it. 

   sometimes you feel like the moon who hasn't seen anything but clouds for days. so when you finally get to sit in the Sun, you fall asleep in the warmth of pure truth. 

        see? you who draw near to Him, He will draw near to you. 

iv. he lost his front leg not more than three weeks ago.

       but today he ran inside laughing. 

jehovah rapha. 

v. Hic est filius meus dilectus.

cinnamon summer

NOT MINEEEE, from pinterest yo 

Dear Brown Sugar Hair, 

I caught a piece of you [the old you] the other day, an old, dried leave that you shed. I lick the roof of my mouth, and the taste of our childhood is still there. The times we'd sit across from our father as he rolled out the cinnamon roll dough; even older Sunday mornings with the bluegrass playing on the radio as mother would brush through your tangled hair before church; [far back. before we weren't on different sides of this war.] storms of green trees, our laughter bouncing with us on the trampoline. 

I miss you. 

Maybe that is selfish of me to say, because I was selfish then. I hid from the ache in your heart, behind shrugs and letting go. If you knew. If I knew. 
The thing that pulls the thread tight and pure on my heart is the fact that it was never on me whether we were walking down the same road or not. Your salvation never rested on me. (And I know He calls us to obey Him, but even if we fail, He is still in control.) 

and [this comes out in a small voice in a quiet room because you are away] I'd be willing to let our cinnamon summers go (the ones before you coated your face in that poison / before you were pulled under that cold water)...i'd be willing to let them go if you ended up seeking the same thing as me. 

if He was at the center of it all, grace pulsing and rushing through your fingers like a river who could never stop speaking truth. 

I miss you. [this comes out with tears, because He is in me and I am in Him and I am finally understanding more about this Love for others that breaks and bursts and grieves.]

hi. if you can hear me, i want you to know that you are loved, and that He is all that matters. 
if you can hear me, i want you to know that you can't make it without Him.
that nothing else (no one else) will heal that hurt. 
that your anger will only build and grow unhealthily into a consuming wildfire until nothing is left (and even then, He can restore). 

This will be the hardest decision of your life, sugar. Because you are used to harshness and hiding and walls, but He is Light, and it is refining and pure and IT HURTS MORE THAN ANYTHING I have ever known. And yes, it has been worth it. It will continue to be worth it. He is worth it. He is, He is. 

/

I am letting you go this time. 

the right way. 

Instead of into the hands of the cold alleys and deathly winters, it is into the caramel hands of our Father, seeping something better than I could ever give. Perfect Love casts out fear, and I am no longer afraid. I see you dodging with the shadows, bitter heart crying. But I AM NOT AFRAID. 

[for He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-control.]

goodbye, scorched dirt. this heart is pushing out the grief as the tide recedes and leaves hope on the shore. 
He will take care of you. 

[oh. and if you're still here, i have loved you since the day you were born.]

/x