cinnamon summer

NOT MINEEEE, from pinterest yo 

Dear Brown Sugar Hair, 

I caught a piece of you [the old you] the other day, an old, dried leave that you shed. I lick the roof of my mouth, and the taste of our childhood is still there. The times we'd sit across from our father as he rolled out the cinnamon roll dough; even older Sunday mornings with the bluegrass playing on the radio as mother would brush through your tangled hair before church; [far back. before we weren't on different sides of this war.] storms of green trees, our laughter bouncing with us on the trampoline. 

I miss you. 

Maybe that is selfish of me to say, because I was selfish then. I hid from the ache in your heart, behind shrugs and letting go. If you knew. If I knew. 
The thing that pulls the thread tight and pure on my heart is the fact that it was never on me whether we were walking down the same road or not. Your salvation never rested on me. (And I know He calls us to obey Him, but even if we fail, He is still in control.) 

and [this comes out in a small voice in a quiet room because you are away] I'd be willing to let our cinnamon summers go (the ones before you coated your face in that poison / before you were pulled under that cold water)...i'd be willing to let them go if you ended up seeking the same thing as me. 

if He was at the center of it all, grace pulsing and rushing through your fingers like a river who could never stop speaking truth. 

I miss you. [this comes out with tears, because He is in me and I am in Him and I am finally understanding more about this Love for others that breaks and bursts and grieves.]

hi. if you can hear me, i want you to know that you are loved, and that He is all that matters. 
if you can hear me, i want you to know that you can't make it without Him.
that nothing else (no one else) will heal that hurt. 
that your anger will only build and grow unhealthily into a consuming wildfire until nothing is left (and even then, He can restore). 

This will be the hardest decision of your life, sugar. Because you are used to harshness and hiding and walls, but He is Light, and it is refining and pure and IT HURTS MORE THAN ANYTHING I have ever known. And yes, it has been worth it. It will continue to be worth it. He is worth it. He is, He is. 

/

I am letting you go this time. 

the right way. 

Instead of into the hands of the cold alleys and deathly winters, it is into the caramel hands of our Father, seeping something better than I could ever give. Perfect Love casts out fear, and I am no longer afraid. I see you dodging with the shadows, bitter heart crying. But I AM NOT AFRAID. 

[for He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-control.]

goodbye, scorched dirt. this heart is pushing out the grief as the tide recedes and leaves hope on the shore. 
He will take care of you. 

[oh. and if you're still here, i have loved you since the day you were born.]

/x